Its been a while...

I know its been some time since I have typed in this here blog. And a lot of things have happened since:

• Moved to Memphis, TN for a "raise" - Ill get to that in a second
• Been in two car accidents SINCE moving to Memphis - both have been hit and runs
• Been in some legal issues with the state of Arkansas - don't ask, Ill let you know whenever its dropped
• Determined that I really don't like people and I need my peace and quiet when I am at home - which means no judgement if I feel like being a slore or just doing homework
• Oh and about UW - Stout - Just inquired about withdrawal from my thesis class... I have too much going on and no one to give me an invitation to study
• Joined Kappa Epsilon Psi Military Sorority Inc. - which has proven that my people skills have been put to the test
• Had about 2 relationships...if you want to call it that. The southern hospitality thing is crockshit let me tell you
• Developed allergies, root canal, found a new church, weight gain, ran a 5K (again), cut people off, lost rent money, served by the Shelby County Sheriff wrongly, and most of all - been passed up on a record amount of jobs EVER

Hope I caught you all up... or whatever is left of everyone that is. 

Here is the thing - and I will warn anyone who reads this - I am having a pity party and I owe it to myself to have one. AND there will be lots of exclamation marks. 

I don't want to hear about anyone elses at this moment. For so long I listen to everyone elses issues - which I will never complain about. I feel good that I can help. But when I do want to complain about is the fact that when I am feeling down (like I am now - severely - think my anxiety is kicking in) I get told to be strong and shit! I know my issues could be worse - don't get it twisted... But when everything you have been working for seems to be falling down  the drain and your muster-seed of faith seems like its been cut in half - your ass would have issues too! 

I'm sitting at work - don't worry tax payers, I am on break. And I feel stupid...very, very, stupid. I did this move cause I was suppose to make more money cause of the cost of living. What they DON'T tell you - the cost of living applies to those who would like to live in Orange Mound (after 1965) and places of that sort. Found out that I am the LOWEST paying person for my pay band and rating (job title for you private sector folk) - but the only one with military AND more than 2 years of Masters education (its either a masters degree or 2 years to get credit when applying for fed jobs) AND prior fed gov experience. 

I sit around controllers co-workers that are doing admin stuff that get paid three times more than me. The complaints and the cheese for the wining I hear from their peers piss me off. Maybe if their forms were right,  I wouldn't  have to contact them.  I get it - folks work hard, they get rewarded... Well damn it - I do too. You know what I get hit on "punctuality" and that is not a real issue - well I don't fall under the controller contract - but folks seem to think I do coming in at 7:05 am when start time is 7 am to me (and former gov places of employment) should not be hung over my damn head. If it was, and I was getting HALF the paycheck - I wouldn't be on here. 

I knew when I came down here, I was gonna make a difference. I was going to really be in the weeds and use my brain - not doing meaningless tasks. I feel like I took 4 steps backwards. Kind of makes me cry... no it does. Matter of fact, I just came from the bathroom doing so. I have had to ask people for assistance - and that is so not me. I don't like doing that. I don't feel like I owe anything to anyone. Its been this way for the past 31 years and now that streak is gone. My attitude has gone down the toilet - and everyone has mentioned it. Sad thing is that I don't care... Again, my life could be worse - but when you feel like the world is closing in on you, logic is thrown out the window. Its tunnel vision - the big picture is gone. And I know I sound like a brat - but can I be for at least the next 30 min? 

I can't be the only one that feels like this? At my age, I feel that I should be doing a lot more. And look - I volunteer, go to networking meetings, collect business cards, send resumes. Its like a dark hole closing in - deeper and deeper there is no light of return and all you want to do is go home. This is 1/4th of what I wanna type... But I don't wanna get too bitter Betty. Am I alone with this? 

Unsure of the Unknown

Well, well, well... Happy new year, happy booed up day, happy baby Jesus rose from the dead for our sins day, and happy mama day to you all. I know its been quite a while, but I have been extremely busy. More so than I care to share... NO, its not a new job, but still, I have been busy.

So I am online at 1 a.m. updating my linked in account, figuring out where to frame this certificate, and obsessing on why with so much education and work background (just not in what I want to be when I grow up) am I having a hard time finding suitable work. Now don't get me wrong folks, I do have a job, I just so happen to be quite underemployed. And I am quite impatient... meaning, if I am putting blood, sweat, and tears into school and networking (and we all know I am an introvert when need be), why am I being passed up for jobs? I know I don't do that well in interviews (at least that's how I feel), but still!

Then I got to thinking... I am not the only one that is struggling... and to be quite honest, I shouldn't be complaining because I have a job at least right??? While to contrary belief this would be correct way of thinking, I will disagree on this one. Why?? Well I am me... and I don't think a lot of people have this same mind set. See, what I am getting at is that if we don't hold ourselves to a higher level, then we will accept the okie-doke in life. I believe that I am destined for greatness, and a bunch of Jimmy Choo's, okay that might have been a little extra, but so what. The point is that, we get complacent in life, and that's when we accept what life has dealt instead of making some input as to what you want to do. Now don't get me wrong, I am all for baby Jesus, and I know that a lot of times, its about patience and so on. But some folks don't even make a way for him to help you and expect it to just come to them. I'm gonna need you folks to put on your thinking caps and at least try... 

With that being said, we do have a lot of environmental factors affecting us... such as the current employment stats. Although we have a small gain in the lack of unemployment clams filed this quarter, the percentages are still not looking good. Many analyst state that some of the clams are down due to people just giving up job searches and applying in general for unemployment (although I can't see why, that was the best three months of my life - even with a part time job). According to the Bureau of Labor Statistics, as of the 14th of this month, the unemployment rate has been steady going down, for April 2012 is estimated at 8.1%. There is still a lot that needs to be worked on, but you can check out the stats at the hyperlink above. My point is that folks will still try to use this as an excuse...and while challenging this is for people in particular job fields, its always an alternative for finding work.

I started to ramble on, but I just needed to vent. Sometimes, it feels as if I will never get anywhere. And I know I need to be patient, but I have never been the type to do that. Maybe what I am studying isn't in the cards for me. I always did want to act, style people, or do a little bit of make-up artistry. Maybe my problem is that I want to do everything at once... I do have ADD like tendencies. If anyone has any suggestions, that would be great. Or at least let me know if I am the only one feeling this way and how to handle it. Till then, tootles!

So its you... Naw, its the Snow in my Eyes

I am walking in the shade, looking at trinkets at the trade show somewhere in Georgia. Can't really recall what city, but I see a lot of signs with peaches so I take it that I am there. As I shuffle around other viewers, I see some crystal jewelry that catches my eye. There is one that is a deep pink, something like raspberry lemonade on a hot summers night. I bend over to look at it, and I feel someone's hands grab my waist. 

They were familiar hands, hands that have never seen a manicure bowl, but soft enough to be familiar with baby oil... Since I knew no one that lived in the peach state anymore - most of them were on deployment or been transferred to another duty station, I cautiously turn around and all I seen was tattoos and dark, Godiva chocolate arms. When I look up, the mysterious man that carried his Creed cologne with his demeanor then grabbed my face and looked me in my eyes as if I was the last piece of rib on the bar-b-que. He licked his lips and said...

DAMN NOAH GET OFF OF ME!!! Yes, my dog is a hater - he woke my ass up. And yaw know I tried falling back to sleep so I can finish that dream... It was too damn late! So yes, that was the last piece of action I have had in a while... Well does that even count? Anywho, let me ask you guys and gals... is it the holidays that make folks want to be all booed up... is that natural? I refuse to be anyone's holiday relationship, but I am not gonna lie, it sounds tempting.

I think because you see so many parties with the husbands and the wives, significant others, etc that you swore that your co-workers/associates didn't have or mention the entire 11 months prior to. Maybe someone has stolen my rent a boo concept already!! So let me know, would you be someone's other half for the holidays then get the peace sign after Valentines day?

Damn... yea thats it, just DAMN

So before anyone goes freaking out... this post isn't all extra depressing. Well not yet.

I haven't really been as thankful as I should be for everything I have, haven't had yet, and for what I thought I wanted and found out it wasn't all that. 2011 has been a hell of a year, and I really didn't have to be here, but my higher being felt the need to let the world bask in my neurotic greatness so I should be happy right?

I am... but I desire more!

I guess I feel that I don't do enough to get to where I want to be... Granted its hard when your working full time and finishing up a Masters program and a Certificate program, its hard not to want to crawl in your bed after work/school and say go away world! But I think its an excuse that I use to not do more... Am I being too hard on myself or do I just know better? Its getting to the point where I am not interested in school anymore. What can I do to help with burn out cause that is what I am feeling like? Let me know if any of you have had that same feeling.

Do Dreams Really Come True?

Good evening/morning everyone...

So turning 25 (haha) wasn't as bad as I thought it would be... I had a blast on the east coast for my national holiday and I don't necessarily hate  dislike work everyday. Just every 3 to 5 days. I'm still pushing thru grad school, and I am enjoying my certificate program work. I even rescued an American Eskimo from the humane shelter in Seattle. Hell, I am even working on Operation East Coast and looks like something might POP OFF! BUT... something happened this evening that has me going...

While cruising on the VH1 website looking at the cast of Love and Hip Hop, I was reading the bio's of these women. And I started to get pissed off. Why you ask? Well I will share a secret with you guys... I always envisioned myself in-front or behind the screens of entertainment. I go into Swarovski (which is my guilty pleasure) and I look at a lot of the pieces and wonder WTF designed some of this shit. Meaning I have ideas of what pieces should be. I have ideas of what people should wear depending on their body shape. Yaw see where I'm going with this. But then the practical me starts to talk...

"Cyn, you know there is a recession going on" ... "But you don't know anyone to start designing/styling/acting"... etc. And to be quite honest, I think I am capable of doing anything I want because I am just that talented. Just show me a few times and I am good to go... But is it too late for me to pursue my dreams? Should I just stick to what I know and stay working in gubment/corp America? Am I being a punk? I'm so perplexed... I guess ill go to sleep on this one. Has anyone have this same problem? Speak to me people!!!

Damn, my bday is coming up...

So I try to keep my post light right...

Well not today. I have been a lil bit of a Debbie Downer lately cause I don't have my luxury SUV, or a Boo on Occasion with the serious PIPE, and I am stuck in a job that I'm OVERLY QUALIFIED for (and not making enough $$ for it). I love my classes but I'm sick of school. And as much as I have learned to appreciate Seattle, hum yea its time for me to go somewhere else. I am in limbo and that shit sucks like an ice cube on a warm summer day that is covered with fire ants. Yea I really took it there.

 A lot of folks are probably saying "well at least you have this, etc". Yes I am very blessed on the position I am in as far as financially especially with these economic issues. But not all money is good money. I have had breakdowns lately and that ish is not healthy. I have been so perturbed that I have allowed the good sense I did have in me to be washed away.  I see certain friends that are in a better situation and I am like "well WTF"? I know, we should not compare to others, but I be damned if the shit doesn't make me feel a certain way. Like what the hell am I doing to not make it? 

So I keep talking to baby Jesus asking him to get me thru this time. I keep reading my spiritual books and I start vacation two on Monday. hopefully I feel better by next Saturday (yes that is my national holiday). If not, I will probably be on the blog drunk crying my sorrows away. Let me know readers, have you ever been in a similar position about life?

Simple Minded People

So I frequent other people's blogs for inspiration... And I came across a blog about views on Domestic Violence. This blogger has been in a violent relationship and just basically sees after being abused for so long, your are no longer the victim, but just plain stupid. Most folks went in on her, maybe one or two people agreed. But what really bugged me the most is that there was so many double negatives in these comments it was like UGH...

What do I mean by double negatives???

So if you do not agree on someone's viewpoint, that's fine and dandy. There are ways of discussing disagree to agree. But these folks were just plain out RUDE. Have we as adults forgot how to eloquently state their dislike with a particular viewpoint and give a better suggestion?

I believe so...

What I guess bothers me the most is those who comment and are 10 times more harsh in replies to a certain topic. Yet, you follow these people and expect to always have the politically correct thought process to every subject? Well why in the hell would you follow them in the first place? I guess I'm tired of the sugar coating folks want you to give them. If you want something sweet, go to the cheesecake factory!!!

I am in various groups in Facebook and Twitter, and instead of debating, folks want to PUSH their morals down your throat. And that erks me to no freaking end. When you are blogging, you really don't have guidelines unless you are threatening to kill folks (and shit). Before I read this blog, I was discussing how people are one minded-especially in the damn United States. A lot of the conflicts in the foreign countries, debt issues, and U.S. policies would be solved if not welcomed with mutual arms if folks took the time to listen instead of abandoning ideas because its not that persons absolute!!!

I should be asleep right now, but this just bothers me to no end (hence why there are no pictures in this post). Please tell me folks, what are your pet peeves when sharing/collaborating ideas and/or thoughts to others!