- Moved to Memphis, TN for a "raise" - Ill get to that in a second
- Been in two car accidents SINCE moving to Memphis - both have been hit and runs
- Been in some legal issues with the state of Arkansas - don't ask, Ill let you know whenever its dropped
- Determined that I really don't like people and I need my peace and quiet when I am at home - which means no judgement if I feel like being a slore or just doing homework
- Oh and about UW - Stout - Just inquired about withdrawal from my thesis class... I have too much going on and no one to give me an invitation to study
- Joined Kappa Epsilon Psi Military Sorority Inc. - which has proven that my people skills have been put to the test
- Had about 2 relationships...if you want to call it that. The southern hospitality thing is crockshit let me tell you
- Developed allergies, root canal, found a new church, weight gain, ran a 5K (again), cut people off, lost rent money, served by the Shelby County Sheriff wrongly, and most of all - been passed up on a record amount of jobs EVER
Hope I caught you all up... or whatever is left of everyone that is.
Here is the thing - and I will warn anyone who reads this - I am having a pity party and I owe it to myself to have one. AND there will be lots of exclamation marks.
I don't want to hear about anyone elses at this moment. For so long I listen to everyone elses issues - which I will never complain about. I feel good that I can help. But when I do want to complain about is the fact that when I am feeling down (like I am now - severely - think my anxiety is kicking in) I get told to be strong and shit! I know my issues could be worse - don't get it twisted... But when everything you have been working for seems to be falling down the drain and your muster-seed of faith seems like its been cut in half - your ass would have issues too!
I'm sitting at work - don't worry tax payers, I am on break. And I feel stupid...very, very, stupid. I did this move cause I was suppose to make more money cause of the cost of living. What they DON'T tell you - the cost of living applies to those who would like to live in Orange Mound (after 1965) and places of that sort. Found out that I am the LOWEST paying person for my pay band and rating (job title for you private sector folk) - but the only one with military AND more than 2 years of Masters education (its either a masters degree or 2 years to get credit when applying for fed jobs) AND prior fed gov experience.
I sit around controllers co-workers that are doing admin stuff that get paid three times more than me. The complaints and the cheese for the wining I hear from their peers piss me off. Maybe if their forms were right, I wouldn't have to contact them. I get it - folks work hard, they get rewarded... Well damn it - I do too. You know what I get hit on "punctuality" and that is not a real issue - well I don't fall under the controller contract - but folks seem to think I do coming in at 7:05 am when start time is 7 am to me (and former gov places of employment) should not be hung over my damn head. If it was, and I was getting HALF the paycheck - I wouldn't be on here.
I knew when I came down here, I was gonna make a difference. I was going to really be in the weeds and use my brain - not doing meaningless tasks. I feel like I took 4 steps backwards. Kind of makes me cry... no it does. Matter of fact, I just came from the bathroom doing so. I have had to ask people for assistance - and that is so not me. I don't like doing that. I don't feel like I owe anything to anyone. Its been this way for the past 31 years and now that streak is gone. My attitude has gone down the toilet - and everyone has mentioned it. Sad thing is that I don't care... Again, my life could be worse - but when you feel like the world is closing in on you, logic is thrown out the window. Its tunnel vision - the big picture is gone. And I know I sound like a brat - but can I be for at least the next 30 min?
I can't be the only one that feels like this? At my age, I feel that I should be doing a lot more. And look - I volunteer, go to networking meetings, collect business cards, send resumes. Its like a dark hole closing in - deeper and deeper there is no light of return and all you want to do is go home. This is 1/4th of what I wanna type... But I don't wanna get too bitter Betty. Am I alone with this?
