Damn, my bday is coming up...

So I try to keep my post light right...

Well not today. I have been a lil bit of a Debbie Downer lately cause I don't have my luxury SUV, or a Boo on Occasion with the serious PIPE, and I am stuck in a job that I'm OVERLY QUALIFIED for (and not making enough $$ for it). I love my classes but I'm sick of school. And as much as I have learned to appreciate Seattle, hum yea its time for me to go somewhere else. I am in limbo and that shit sucks like an ice cube on a warm summer day that is covered with fire ants. Yea I really took it there.

 A lot of folks are probably saying "well at least you have this, etc". Yes I am very blessed on the position I am in as far as financially especially with these economic issues. But not all money is good money. I have had breakdowns lately and that ish is not healthy. I have been so perturbed that I have allowed the good sense I did have in me to be washed away.  I see certain friends that are in a better situation and I am like "well WTF"? I know, we should not compare to others, but I be damned if the shit doesn't make me feel a certain way. Like what the hell am I doing to not make it? 

So I keep talking to baby Jesus asking him to get me thru this time. I keep reading my spiritual books and I start vacation two on Monday. hopefully I feel better by next Saturday (yes that is my national holiday). If not, I will probably be on the blog drunk crying my sorrows away. Let me know readers, have you ever been in a similar position about life?

FEAR.. Forgetting Everything Anyone Revised

So first off... I know I have a few people who are gonna curse me the hell out for taking so long. I apologize. For I don't have a down packed schedule of posts. And after June 13th, shits gonna be real (start of grad school-so NOT excited). Anywho, I want to cover this first because this is something I have been dealing with for all my life, and its not at a normal percentage.

I have a fear of failure... many people might say that many people have that same fear, but its so serious at times, I don't go to sleep for days. Or at least get maybe two to three hours of sleep (I don't like taking my anxiety pills). I guess its because I have seen certain members of my family become dependent on others and I vowed that I will never be that way. Which probably explains my current relationship situation stats, etc. That's for another post. Anywho, moving on...

When I was younger, I was staying at my aunts house due to some family issues. But when I seen how she became more than what her environment programmed her to be. I was inspired. I never told anyone this, but I think this is what truly lead me to go to the Navy, and to get the hell away from Milwaukee at the time. I wanted the big house, the nice luxury car prior to 40, etc. I created a "to do before God takes me out" list and the following was my top priorities:

1. Become a Cheerleader by Sophomore year of HS
2. Graduate from college
3. Join a sorority
4. Become part of the government
5. Own a luxury foreign made car prior to 30

Most of these objectives have been met, and I guess I am becoming worried that the last one (not in numerical order BTW) will not be fulfilled due to eff ups changes in the economy and my current job position. But that's besides the point. I have a chance to finish my graduate degree early (mind you, I never thought about graduate school till just recently). But I'm scared or rather have a great deal of FEAR because of what I will be giving up (MY JOB). I did this whole life changing ish before when I left the military. And I will be honest and say I am happy with my choice, but that was in 2008 and the job market was STABLE. I would have to re-locate, go somewhere close to home but so far away, make new friends, etc. Its crazy, cause if I got a job overseas or to Washington D.C. (my ultimate destination), I would act like Pookie off of Menace 2 Society and sell EVERYTHING and go ( at least I think its Menace 2 society, I'm sipping my McDonald's Strawberry Lemonade w/ 100 proof Belviedere vodka, so I might be a lil messy with grammar, memories--and shit). But its because I will be doing something totally 360°, I am scared of the unknown I suppose. I don't want to be like the typical student (no offense) that can't get a job or not smart enough to finish, etc. I never want to have to have anyone help me. Although I give no afterthought to help those around me. I guess I figure I have always been the strong one and I am not suppose to have FEAR in my life. And it couldn't be any more of the opposite. I can't go into any more specifics. But I will say, I will be out of my comfort zone. And I know I need it, I really do. BUT, the struggle, I will say, is what is scaring the shit out of me. Can you feel my pain? Not same situation, but just something that is different. Something that is of the unknown? How do you deal? Do you have folks make negative comments when you share (oh I knew I forgot something on this post)? Is there a time limit to when you should follow your dreams?